ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The author took a left at Metaphor and Vine.

The author is mostly water.

The author took a break from writing to write his latest book.

The author sometimes feels bored with having to spend everyday driving from Zelda to Anzibar and back again.

The author slept on his manuscript wrong.

The author climbs into the mouths of more successful writers and delicately picks the shredded bits of metaphor from between their teeth.

The author weighs in at an impressive 188 pages, dripping wet, double-spaced.

The author no longer channels Crapp-Ra, that lying spirit guide who made him say all those racist and homophobic things back in the nineties.

The author studied under there. (Ha! Did the author just make you say underwear? The author loves that gag.)

The author wants to hear more about your background in the publishing industry. Really...your uncle, you say?

The author discovered his real purpose years ago. Now he just pretends that he's misplaced it so he gets to discover it all over again.

The author burps up sentences that taste vaguely of Hemingway and beer.

The author always puts the seat down when he writes.

The author takes long walks around short subjects.

The author takes the long view on his undershorts.

The author isn't sure it's any of your goddam business.

The author was a finalist for the prestigious "Who Dealt It?" Award.

The author sometimes wishes he were a fireman, or an astronaut, or the guy who tests new cheeto flavors.

The author never remembers to check for spelling errors on his threatening notes to his publisher.

The author still has shredded metaphor stuck between his imaginary teeth.

The author prefers the round food.

The author chews the ice in his drink, not the other way around.

The author will take his eggs over medium, thank you.

The author is looking in the last place that he left it.

The author wonders whether anybody else feels this way.