ABOUT THE AUTHOR

2012-01-26T12:29:00.001-08:00

The author can check out anytime he wants, but he can never leave.

2012-01-20T07:59:00.001-08:00

The author took the Turing Test under artificial circumstances.

2012-01-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

The author self-censors, self-abuses, self-entertains and self-selects, yet still seeks the approval of his scant readership to prove to himself that he exists.

2012-01-05T12:47:00.001-08:00

The author no longer has to stoop to conquer since he bought himself this ergonomic siege weapon.

2011-12-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

The author took a left at Metaphor and Vine.

2011-12-26T10:04:00.001-08:00

The author is mostly water.

2011-12-12T12:59:00.001-08:00

The author took a break from writing to write his latest book.

2011-12-09T18:44:00.001-08:00

The author sometimes feels bored with having to spend everyday driving from Zelda to Anzibar and back again.

2011-12-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

The author slept on his manuscript wrong.

2011-12-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

The author climbs into the mouths of more successful writers and delicately picks the shredded bits of metaphor from between their teeth.

2011-12-06T12:57:00.001-08:00

The author weighs in at an impressive 188 pages, dripping wet, double-spaced.

2011-12-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

The author no longer channels Crapp-Ra, that lying spirit guide who made him say all those racist and homophobic things back in the nineties.

2011-11-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

The author studied under there.

(Ha! Did the author just make you say underwear? The author loves that gag.)

2011-11-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

The author wants to hear more about your background in the publishing industry. Really...your uncle, you say?

2011-11-16T13:01:00.001-08:00

The author discovered his real purpose years ago. Now he just pretends that he's misplaced it so he gets to discover it all over again.

2011-11-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

The author burps up sentences that taste vaguely of Hemingway and beer.

2011-11-14T09:38:00.001-08:00

The author always puts the seat down when he writes.

2011-11-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

The author takes long walks around short subjects.

2011-11-01T11:42:00.001-07:00

The author takes the long view on his undershorts.

2011-10-31T10:45:00.003-07:00

The author isn't sure it's any of your goddam business.

2011-10-30T17:33:00.001-07:00

The author was a finalist for the prestigious "Who Dealt It?" Award.

2011-10-28T08:14:00.001-07:00

The author sometimes wishes he were a fireman, or an astronaut, or the guy who tests new cheeto flavors.

2011-09-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

The author never remembers to check for spelling errors on his threatening notes to his publisher.

2011-03-15T15:54:00.001-07:00

The author still has shredded metaphor stuck between his imaginary teeth.

2011-03-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

The author prefers the round food.

2011-03-07T12:49:00.001-08:00

The author chews the ice in his drink, not the other way around.

2011-03-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

The author will take his eggs over medium, thank you.

2011-03-02T10:40:00.001-08:00

The author is looking in the last place that he left it.

2011-02-01T15:21:00.001-08:00

The author wonders whether anybody else feels this way.

2010-12-02T10:47:00.001-08:00

The author is a sucker for tootsie pops.

2010-12-01T12:30:00.001-08:00

The author still cries during the tense moments of "Apollo 13."

2010-11-30T14:02:00.001-08:00

The author has reservations for the Hesitater's Convention.

2010-08-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

The author sleeps naked in a crate full of gummi bears (which are changed weekly).

2010-08-03T11:07:00.001-07:00

The author doesn't remember ordering this soup.

2010-03-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

The author will be sure to let everyone know when he is finished letting everyone know when.

2009-07-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

The author ate lunch less than an hour before swimming.

2009-06-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

The author picked up a slight cold in South Carolina.

2009-06-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

The author is currently in Los Angeles, researching a book about In-and-Out Burger.

2009-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

The author picked up a naked monkey in New Mexico.

2009-04-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

The author picked up a social disease in South Dakota.

2008-12-31T14:01:00.000-08:00

The author doesn't want to get into it right now. Suffice it to say that he is not quite finished...

2008-10-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

The author is just writing these books to get attention. Just ignore him.

2008-08-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

The author does not understand these new-fangled fangling machines.

2008-07-31T08:49:00.001-07:00

The author never liked the shape of his toes. This informs much of his work.

2008-07-06T11:32:00.001-07:00

The author has been reading alot about this whole "internet" thing recently.

2008-06-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

The author takes time out of his busy schedule every week to donate fertilizer to his neighbor's flower garden. (Actually, the author's neighbor doesn't need to know about this...)

2008-03-10T14:08:00.001-07:00

The author was there when it all went down, man.

2008-03-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

The author used to write haikus like most men drink beer--six at a time. Now he just drinks the beer and shouts at passing Japanese motorists.

2008-03-03T09:03:00.001-08:00

The author was conceived in one state and delivered in another.