The author took a left at Metaphor and Vine.

The author is mostly water.

The author took a break from writing to write his latest book.

The author sometimes feels bored with having to spend everyday driving from Zelda to Anzibar and back again.

The author slept on his manuscript wrong.

The author climbs into the mouths of more successful writers and delicately picks the shredded bits of metaphor from between their teeth.

The author weighs in at an impressive 188 pages, dripping wet, double-spaced.

The author no longer channels Crapp-Ra, that lying spirit guide who made him say all those racist and homophobic things back in the nineties.