August 06, 2014

The author teaches origami to imaginary orangutans. 
The author is seven years older than he was six years ago. 

January 26, 2012

The author can check out anytime he wants, but he can never leave.

January 20, 2012

The author took the Turing Test under artificial circumstances.

January 06, 2012

The author self-censors, self-abuses, self-entertains and self-selects, yet still seeks the approval of his scant readership to prove to himself that he exists.

January 05, 2012

The author no longer has to stoop to conquer since he bought himself this ergonomic siege weapon.

December 29, 2011

The author took a left at Metaphor and Vine.

December 26, 2011

December 12, 2011

The author took a break from writing to write his latest book.

December 09, 2011

The author sometimes feels bored with having to spend everyday driving from Zelda to Anzibar and back again.

December 08, 2011

The author slept on his manuscript wrong.

December 07, 2011

The author climbs into the mouths of more successful writers and delicately picks the shredded bits of metaphor from between their teeth.

December 06, 2011

The author weighs in at an impressive 188 pages, dripping wet, double-spaced.

December 01, 2011

The author no longer channels Crapp-Ra, that lying spirit guide who made him say all those racist and homophobic things back in the nineties.

November 29, 2011

The author studied under there.

(Ha! Did the author just make you say underwear? The author loves that gag.)

November 17, 2011

The author wants to hear more about your background in the publishing industry. Really...your uncle, you say?

November 16, 2011

The author discovered his real purpose years ago. Now he just pretends that he's misplaced it so he gets to discover it all over again.

November 15, 2011

The author burps up sentences that taste vaguely of Hemingway and beer.

November 14, 2011

The author always puts the seat down when he writes.

November 03, 2011

The author takes long walks around short subjects.

November 01, 2011

The author takes the long view on his undershorts.

October 31, 2011

The author isn't sure it's any of your goddam business.

October 30, 2011

The author was a finalist for the prestigious "Who Dealt It?" Award.

October 28, 2011

The author sometimes wishes he were a fireman, or an astronaut, or the guy who tests new cheeto flavors.

September 16, 2011

The author never remembers to check for spelling errors on his threatening notes to his publisher.

March 15, 2011

The author still has shredded metaphor stuck between his imaginary teeth.

March 08, 2011

March 07, 2011

The author chews the ice in his drink, not the other way around.

March 03, 2011

The author will take his eggs over medium, thank you.

March 02, 2011

The author is looking in the last place that he left it.

February 01, 2011

The author wonders whether anybody else feels this way.

December 02, 2010

December 01, 2010

The author still cries during the tense moments of "Apollo 13."

November 30, 2010

The author has reservations for the Hesitater's Convention.

August 16, 2010

The author sleeps naked in a crate full of gummi bears (which are changed weekly).

August 03, 2010

The author doesn't remember ordering this soup.

March 12, 2010

The author will be sure to let everyone know when he is finished letting everyone know when.

July 27, 2009

The author ate lunch less than an hour before swimming.

June 12, 2009

The author picked up a slight cold in South Carolina.

June 03, 2009

The author is currently in Los Angeles, researching a book about In-and-Out Burger.

April 22, 2009

The author picked up a naked monkey in New Mexico.

April 07, 2009

The author picked up a social disease in South Dakota.

December 31, 2008

The author doesn't want to get into it right now. Suffice it to say that he is not quite finished...

October 02, 2008

The author is just writing these books to get attention. Just ignore him.

August 02, 2008

The author does not understand these new-fangled fangling machines.

July 31, 2008

The author never liked the shape of his toes. This informs much of his work.

July 06, 2008

The author has been reading alot about this whole "internet" thing recently.

June 20, 2008

The author takes time out of his busy schedule every week to donate fertilizer to his neighbor's flower garden. (Actually, the author's neighbor doesn't need to know about this...)

March 10, 2008

The author was there when it all went down, man.

March 06, 2008

The author used to write haikus like most men drink beer--six at a time. Now he just drinks the beer and shouts at passing Japanese motorists.